Friday, November 27, 2009

I had a fun and relaxing Thanksgiving day. I did not overeat and I ate belly good foods! I did have a sliver of dessert and enjoyed the sliver. This is the first Thanksgiving in a long time where I don't remember feeling stuffed and fatigued. I attribute this to my choice of being aware of my sugar intake.

I missed not having a meeting this week and I am looking forward to our next Monday meeting. I ordered 3 books from Amazon. I was going to order 5, but there was a limit on the number I could order. I ordered my daughters each one and wanted one for my husband's sister Connie and me.

I've finished the 800 page novel I was reading and I am now turning my attention to the weight training books I purchased. I'll keep you all posted on my results.

Have a fun weekend and I will be back online the first of next week.

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

I love and accept myself as I am. My Higher Power lives within so I am worthy.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009 - Thanksgiving Eve

Today was a good day. Work let us out early. Our managers are always showing us how much they appreciate us and the hard work we do.

Mark vacuumed and I am brining a turkey. First time, so who know how it will turn out. I used salt, hot peppers, orange, rosemary, pepper, and garlic. We got the 19 pound turkey in the fridge; only barely, but it is there. We are having dressing; no potatoes, green beans, and baked apples. The apples usually have tons of white and brown sugar on them. This year I am going to use Joseph's maltitol and his sugar free maple syrup, along with the butter and cinnamon. I'll let you know how they turn out. My dressing is my usual only with multi-grain bread, instead of white bread. It is probably the food with the most sugar. I have not counted S/C per serving and have given myself permission to have a reasonably sized portion with the rest of my meal.

I am feeling stronger and know that Thanksgiving will come and go and I will make the best choices possible and be aware about what I put in my mouth.

I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving and safe travel.

Being healthy is a divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

I love and accept myself now; as I am. My Higher Power lives within, so I am worthy.

Tuesday,, November 24, 2009

I want to tell every person who commented on my Sunday blog how grateful I am for all the support. I will definitely go out to your blogs to look for recipes and further inspiration. Thankfully, I am in a better place this evening and look forward to spending my Thanksgiving Holiday with Mark and my friends from SEMATECH.

I am also in countdown mode because 3 weeks from tomorrow I will be headed to Texas to spend 3 and 1/2 weeks with my family and can hardly wait to see my daughters. My daughters have been following my blog and are also working on S/C awareness.

I realized yesterday that my Higher Power has given me the gift of being healthy and that for me the way I am making those changes and the results I am seeing are better the continuing the lack of education and awareness about what I am putting in my mouth or sometimes, flat out denial about where my past choices have led me.

I send good thoughts to all whether they are nesting at home or traveling to be with loved ones this following season.

Being healthy is a divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Losing weight is part of my journey and I gladly embrace the change.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I have been sad today. Someone in our jorgecruise blog mentioned that someone who has lost 7-9 pounds per week must have quit a bit to lose. One person lost 7 or so pounds in the first week and had 40 to lose. I have 80 more pounds to lose. While I've lost 10 pounds since I began my lifestyle change journey on October 23rd, I have not lost 7 or so pounds per week; not even 4 actually. I wonder if Mark and I are not following the program as well as we could be. It's always been this way for me. I start off with a super positive mind set and then as the weeks go, I feel almost hopeless.

I don't want to change my lifestyle back to over consuming sugars and breads. I want to be a size where I can wear normal clothes; classy, stylish, sensual clothes. I seem to want it now, instead of 6 months from now and want the weight to melt off more quickly.

So, I am going to tell on myself. I don't use the tracker, I count in my head. I don't count my carbs for the Benefiber; I figured those should be free, since I didn't initially understand there would be carbs in it. My fasting glucose was up to 132 the other day and I thought I had been following the program closely. I find myself thinking what Jorge said - if I am not losing 4-9 pounds each week, then I am not doing something right. I feel angry because I have stopped cokes, white breads, limited my tomatoes and fruits, and purchased fiber, pro-biotic pills, spry toothpaste, and whey protein. While I feel better I find I want better visible results.

Thanksgiving is coming up and I am cooking the turkey. However, as much as I've tried to control my menu, I still have pies coming from one of our guests and I am scared I will destroy my new lifestyle; mainly because I am going to sabotage myself by thinking things are going too slow, so why continue.

How do I navigate through all the belly bad foods and continue to choose the belly good foods? I almost dread the holiday season because of the temptations and my current state of thoughts and feelings.

I don't have a tip today, I hope you all have tips for me. I want to continue making the choices that are right for me. I tell myself, some day I will be where I want to be and maintain my healthy size while still being able to occasionally enjoy belly bad foods and still be healthy. That's not this Holiday Season though. I'm afraid that I will slip into the world of sugar consumption and never turn back; at least until I am forced to by some serious health issue.

I read the articles about travelers on airlines being hacked off because lazy, undisciplined, fat people cannot fit in their seats and wonder why they are not facing the obesity issue I am facing. I know I am in victim mode and don't want to be. Damn it! I want to be able to eat a piece of pumpkin pie without fearing the fall into the sugar abyss. I am scared and as I am sitting here, tears are falling and I cannot stop them. I want to be my girls' example of turning things around and I don't want them thinking that once again I am back to my old self-destructive habits.

I want to type my mantra, but I feel as if I am a fake. I want to be honest to myself. Do I really want instant health at the price of giving up the fudges, cakes, and pies I have enjoyed all my life? I did not nip my gaining weight in the bud until I had over 100 pounds to lose. There are probably those of you that are disgusted and I am disgusted.

I will sign off with my mantra because Melody Beattie says that if you can act "as if" you are grateful or are practicing a certain behavior, it will become truth. So here goes:

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Today was another beautiful day in Saratoga Springs! I enjoyed my morning adventure with Charisse and Chloe. The carousel in Congress Park is closed for the season except for Victorian Days and New Years Eve. That was a bummer. However, it gives us a reason to get back together next Spring.

I feel tired this evening. I almost seem a little sad and I am not sure why. I told Mark I think it is because I haven't been right on with the BFC program. I ate a homemade cinnamon roll with ham and eggs this morning for breakfast. Then I had stuffed sole with asparagus for lunch, and then a Chicken Pot Pie for dinner. After that though, I ended up having crackers with crab dip and a handful of walnuts.

I think more than anything I am concerned that I will go back to my old way of eating. I cannot wait until eating healthy is like 2nd nature and I don't have to think about it quite so hard. My niece was asking what we were going to do about sweets over the holiday season. I said; we are going ahead and having them. I also know that I am going to keep squares of cheese, walnuts, wine, and 85% chocolate on hand to satisfy me and if I do have a sweet, it will be thumb sized and I will be very selective. I am going to be asking myself if I will remember the memory of ingesting a particular sweet 10 minutes later. My way of telling myself it is instant gratification and not delayed or continuing gratification.

Tip: Stay aware during the holidays of what you are putting in your mouth. Most of the time you can be prepared like I plan to be. If not, remain aware and make the best choice for what you have to choose from. If you find yourself in that position over and over, then evaluate your food stash or consider you may be emotional eating.

Remember to Keep it Simple when planning your meals!

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Friday, November 20,2009

Yea! It's Friday. I always feel as if I am already on Thanksgiving Holiday the weekend before. I feel festive and have had a good week. I am enjoying cooking simple, yet tasty meals. Tonight we had Salmon, cooked in coconut oil, old bay seasoning, pepper and garlic mix, and Himalayan salt, and the kitchen sink! Well, not exactly. We ate that with edemame and a glass of tea. It tasted amazing and was the right meal to finish off a great day.

Tomorrow I am going downtown Saratoga Springs with my friend Charisse and her toddler Chloe. We are going to ride the carousel, walk in Congress Park, and browse through a few shops. Considering we are in the last part of November, the 50 degree sunshiny days are fabulous. I feel free from poor food choices and powerful about our new way of cooking and my new choices.

I do get my free range turkey on Tuesday. I am so excited about cooking a turkey that is fresh off the farm and never been frozen. I can hardly wait for Thursday to get here so I can cook it with lots of butter, oils, and seasoning. I usually put together a cranberry bourbon marinade that I am going to skip this year and go for something else; not sure what; but earthy. Anybody have any ideas?

As most of you know, I cannot be successful if I feel deprived. Eating foods cooked in butter, oils and no longer feeling guilty about burgers and avocados helps keep me satiated. Swapping white or potato breads for multi grain high fiber breads has been a great and satisfies my love for breads; the grainier the breads the better!

Tip: Prepare your own dessert for the Thanksgiving Holiday and put it in a pretty bowl. A hot hot brownie with strawberries and redi-whip sounds amazing and can fit the program with the appropriate planning. If you absolutely want a bite of pecan or pumpkin pie, allow yourself a thumb sized bite and wait 10 minutes. Do you feel different because you ate that pie? I find I don't and then I think, would I really be happier or more satisfied if I had eaten a big slice and waited 10 minutes? The answer for me is I don't even know the difference. If you have a sliver or decide to have a slice, be sure to eat some protein with it, so your insulin level doesn't spike off the charts. Sprinkling a handful of nuts on the dessert, or eating a thumb sized cube of cheese before the dessert, might even allow you to choose to skip the dessert all together. The idea is to not let yourself feel deprived, because if you are like me, you will start to feel sorry for yourself and then follow that with a big helping of guilt.

Hook em' Horns!

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

After processing the information about the pineal gland I decided to take myself off of my zoloft. Before you get concerned, I know it is a weaning process and have currently cut my dosage by 50%. I need to find the Spry toothpaste and I am going to look for it as soon as I finish my post. Did you check your toothpaste and see the warning about calling Poison Control Center if you swallow toothpaste? Kind of scary. Besides that, I definitely don't want to calcify the gland that allows me to connect!

I thought I felt a little anxiety today and realized I was holding my breath and taking small breaths instead of cleansing breaths.

I realized that cleansing breaths are key to lowering my stress and anxiety levels.

I cannot believe how determined I've been to change my life style and how successful I've been. If you have told me 6 months ago that I would be able to be satisfied without consuming massive amounts of sugar and breads, I don't know if I would have believed it. In the past my body craved sweets and breads and I thought I was weak because I did not resist and eventually fell back into my old habits of consuming massive amounts of sugar and other white food products.

There has been pastries, fruit, birthday cake in the break room this week. My co-worker Charisse, Mark and I tease about there being "poison in the break room" for consumption. The truth is, I am not even tempted because I feel satisfied almost always.

I think that I am somewhat obsessed and maybe a little overboard. I see the pregnant co-worker having yogurt that is filled with sugar, people drinking cokes, and diet cokes and would like to tell them there is a better choice. So, yes, I am definitely a little obsessed. However, I think for me; thinking of it as poison is the best thing for me. It was poison to me!

Don't limit your butter, olive oil, etc., based on old beliefs. I think that is why some classmates are feeling hungry on this program. They are attempting to converge Fat makes you Fat concept and BFC. If you use enough butter, olive oil, etc., you will be satisfied and your body will quit telling you to eat foods and drinks filled full of sugar. That happened to me and I never thought I had enough self-control to deprive myself of sweets and cokes. Self-control is a myth; when you fill our bod with the appropriate foods, the cravings go away. If they do not, then you are emotionally eating.

Tip: Go buy a chunk of 2 of your favorite cheeses and cut them in thumb sized squares and put them in a baggie in your home and work refrigerators. When you feel hungry or think you are craving a candy bar or cola, go get a piece and slowly eat it, savoring each bite. You will be surprised that one day, you will go for the cheese without thinking of the sugar foods.

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I had a computer meltdown the first of the week so I went out and purchased a laptop so I could be sure and not miss class, blogs, and motivational material while assuring I don't mess up my work computer going to assorted sites. It has become a part each day to share my life experiences, mainly about my current life style changes and get information to help keep me rolling in the right direction.

A friend of my sister's, that I reconnected with on facebook that I haven't seen for 30 years or more suggested that from now until Thanksgiving that we indicate what we are thankful for on a daily basis. I want to share with you all that I am thankful for picking up a First Women Magazine and finding the article written about Jorge Cruise and his BFC program. I wanted to be selected as one of the 20 that got free counseling until Christmas about his program. I then decided I could not wait until Oct. 31 because I wanted to be part of the 12 week program that had started 4 days earlier. I am so thankful that I joined on October 22nd and have been able to make a life style change, eat healthy, and get and share ideas with others from our class. I am grateful that I am able to purchase the foods, pills, fiber, protein drinks, Sobe Waters and Mint Water in order to make this lifestyle change.

I am thankful that I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes so I would finally be serious about making such a change. I've cut down on my zoloft dosage and have shown no signs of being anxious or blue. I'm pretty sure the diet drinks and sugar played a good role in my feelings of listlessness and anxiety.

Tip: Keep the meals simple. Tonight, we put together a bean soup, a shrimp and cheese quesadilla, a salad composed of Boston butter lettuce, baby spinach, avocado, and cheese with a little bit of Girard's Champagne Dressing. It was all delicious and we could hardly eat it all. It took about 20 minutes to make this meal.

While I was sauteing the shrimp with Old Bay Seasoning, butter, olive oil, and pepper, I realized the reason I didn't cook much when we were a family of 5 is that I had a belief system that I had to put together a meal of protein, 2 vegetables, or 1 with 1 fruit, dessert, and bread. It was exhausting and the prospect of the time and energy it would take was overwhelming, so I usually ended up letting Mark cook or suggesting we eat out.

Being Healthy is a Divine Gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!

Keep your meals simple; at least for the day in and day out regular meals.

Mark asked me why I had my weight loss chart in pounds of butter, since butter does not make me fat and I was adding a color when I lost a pound. I considered this and decided it made more sense to turn each lost pound into black. This way the belly fat is disappearing.

I've set 2 goals - my first goal is 199 and I want to be at the weight early 2010. The 2nd goal is the rest of the weight I desire to lose in 2010. I have lost 8 pounds since I've been on the BFC and 6 inches around my waist. I had blood work done today and anticipate the results of my glucose level, bad cholesterol level, and AC1 or whatever the level that needs to be 6.3% or lower. Mine was 8.5% when I last had my blood drawn.

My weight loss visual will be part of my Vision Board I put together and it will be a living Vision Board since that chart, along with our dreams change and mature as we grow. A picture of a home will also be on my Vision Board and I once again see myself owning my own place of sanctuary.

Being healthy is a Divine Gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!
Replace food with people connections!

Monday, November 16, 2009

I felt a little frustrated tonight because my class came on for a few minutes and then went off the air. I currently don't know if that was only me or if the whole class was stopped. I had some office work to do, so I did that and went back and was able to view the whole class on Emotional Eater.

Am I an emotional eater? You bet! To give you a little background; before I went to therapy I was always ravenous; nothing seem to fill me up. I have memories of standing at the pantry looking for cookies, bread, and anything else to put in my mouth. I could not be trusted to make any homemade dessert because I would find myself eating more than anyone else around.

I was in individual counseling for 10 years and group therapy for 7. I walked through the darkness into the light. It was hard work. I was able to shred my anger, inadequacy, and more importantly than anything, my self loathing and hatred. I learned that in order to truly love and accept myself, I had to do it right then; waiting to lose weight, tone muscles, or look good in a bathing suit before loving myself, meant that when I did all those things, I still would not truly love and accept myself.

It's been 7 years since I've been in therapy and occasionally I forget pieces of what I learned. It is great to have Jorge's class to validate concepts and truths I learned several years ago. Now that I love myself at (244.5 lbs), I am sure I will love and accept myself at 165 or so. I have 2 weight goals set; one at 199 and one at 165. After that, I will decide if that is my permanent goal or if I want to go further.

I have a little metal statue of a cute monkey holding a mirror and peering into it. I have it in my bedroom because it reminds me to look at my own stuff instead of others.

One thing I know about myself is that I go back and forth with isolating myself from others to being involved. Being present to my girls, husband, and Kirsten and keeping a connection has been natural for me. It's friends that are outside my immediate circle that I have a tendency to isolate from. I will be looking for BFC buddies to share with while in the class and hopefully thereafter. Being healthy is a journey that lasts my whole life and I will need support to continue my healthy life style. Thanks to all who have asked me questions and shared personal experiences or found further information about food I've explored.

The real surprise tonight - The information about the Pineal Gland. I was so shocked that toothpaste has a poison warning on it if swallowed and that is calcifies my pineal gland. I didn't even know I had one of those until tonight. I definitely don't want to destroy my ability to connect with others. I'm going to check my toothpaste as soon as I finish posting. This is a controversial subject about what destroys the Pineal gland and I will research it and come to my own conclusion. Check your toothpaste and see what you think!

I was also surprised to find that the anti-depressant I take, zoloft, destroys the pineal gland. However, I have heard some people say it makes them feel disconnected and not desire to be connected to even friends and family. I've been wanting to stop taking my zoloft, a gradual process, and be off of it. Other times, when I was consuming large amounts of sugar and diet drinks, I felt anxious and was short-tempered when I cut down my dosage. I was thinking last
week that I wanted to try again. With, Jorge's inspiration, I'm going to work on cutting the dosage and see if I can be off of my zoloft for sure by 2010.

My tip of the day is to share one of Jorge's tips from tonight: Create a VISION Board! I've told my girls that they create their life by day dreaming, imagining, and visualization. A Vision Board fits that and is something I want to put together. I will have one done by Thanksgiving.

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!
Replace food with people!