Monday, November 16, 2009

I felt a little frustrated tonight because my class came on for a few minutes and then went off the air. I currently don't know if that was only me or if the whole class was stopped. I had some office work to do, so I did that and went back and was able to view the whole class on Emotional Eater.

Am I an emotional eater? You bet! To give you a little background; before I went to therapy I was always ravenous; nothing seem to fill me up. I have memories of standing at the pantry looking for cookies, bread, and anything else to put in my mouth. I could not be trusted to make any homemade dessert because I would find myself eating more than anyone else around.

I was in individual counseling for 10 years and group therapy for 7. I walked through the darkness into the light. It was hard work. I was able to shred my anger, inadequacy, and more importantly than anything, my self loathing and hatred. I learned that in order to truly love and accept myself, I had to do it right then; waiting to lose weight, tone muscles, or look good in a bathing suit before loving myself, meant that when I did all those things, I still would not truly love and accept myself.

It's been 7 years since I've been in therapy and occasionally I forget pieces of what I learned. It is great to have Jorge's class to validate concepts and truths I learned several years ago. Now that I love myself at (244.5 lbs), I am sure I will love and accept myself at 165 or so. I have 2 weight goals set; one at 199 and one at 165. After that, I will decide if that is my permanent goal or if I want to go further.

I have a little metal statue of a cute monkey holding a mirror and peering into it. I have it in my bedroom because it reminds me to look at my own stuff instead of others.

One thing I know about myself is that I go back and forth with isolating myself from others to being involved. Being present to my girls, husband, and Kirsten and keeping a connection has been natural for me. It's friends that are outside my immediate circle that I have a tendency to isolate from. I will be looking for BFC buddies to share with while in the class and hopefully thereafter. Being healthy is a journey that lasts my whole life and I will need support to continue my healthy life style. Thanks to all who have asked me questions and shared personal experiences or found further information about food I've explored.

The real surprise tonight - The information about the Pineal Gland. I was so shocked that toothpaste has a poison warning on it if swallowed and that is calcifies my pineal gland. I didn't even know I had one of those until tonight. I definitely don't want to destroy my ability to connect with others. I'm going to check my toothpaste as soon as I finish posting. This is a controversial subject about what destroys the Pineal gland and I will research it and come to my own conclusion. Check your toothpaste and see what you think!

I was also surprised to find that the anti-depressant I take, zoloft, destroys the pineal gland. However, I have heard some people say it makes them feel disconnected and not desire to be connected to even friends and family. I've been wanting to stop taking my zoloft, a gradual process, and be off of it. Other times, when I was consuming large amounts of sugar and diet drinks, I felt anxious and was short-tempered when I cut down my dosage. I was thinking last
week that I wanted to try again. With, Jorge's inspiration, I'm going to work on cutting the dosage and see if I can be off of my zoloft for sure by 2010.

My tip of the day is to share one of Jorge's tips from tonight: Create a VISION Board! I've told my girls that they create their life by day dreaming, imagining, and visualization. A Vision Board fits that and is something I want to put together. I will have one done by Thanksgiving.

Being healthy is a Divine gift from my Higher Power and I gratefully accept it!
Replace food with people!